I thought it would get easier...
First of all this is the picture I was talking about and if you were all wondering this is a really old photo but it was the only one I could find that really showed my blonde hair well. This is what I looked like with blonde hair before I dyed it... that was the color of my hair. It was grade six.
Okay so I was looking for a picture of me when I had blonde hair to give to Dave because he didn't know my hair was dyed red and so I was searhing for it on my computer and I came across pictures of my grandparents' headstone and pictures at my grandmother's funeral and I just burst into tears.
I miss them so much, more then I ever thought. My grandmother hasn't been around for about a year and 3/4 and I miss her more then I ever thought possible.... my grandfather hasn't been around for about 2 years and 9 months... but I miss them so much.
People used to tell me it was easier when you were a Christian and one you loved died was a Christian because you knew where they were going, and my grandmother was that but it didn't make it any easier on me. I know it definately didn't on my mom. I still miss my grandmother a lot. And if it didn't make it easier for my grandmother's death then it definately wouldn't be easier on my grandfather's death.... my grandfather we don't believe was a Christian at the time he died, he never was, so I may never see him again and that kills me.
Anyway, I sat here and cried for like 15 minutes. Shouldn't I be over it by now? I don't know if the pain really has gone down over the years, like people say it will because it doesn't seem to have. I don't know why I'm burdening you all with this problem, I just needed to tell someone and say something because I just needed someone who would listen and since no one else is up at midnight.... well no one that I could get a hold of anyway, I just had to write down in here and even though it doesn't seem like anyone's out there listening.... I'm sure someone, at sometime will read this. I don't know why that gives me confort but it does knowing that someone who cares about me knows about this.
Sorry for burdening you with these problems.
Anyway, I feel a little better after letting all of that out.
Poems - Part 2
Poem # 3 - Sadness and AngerI'm lonely
I watch as the silent tears run down my face
Proving to myself
That I am misunderstood
I tun
Before I do something I regret,
But before long I'm lost.
Thotns are cutting at me as I run,
And the darkness is closing in.
I try to ignore this frightening feeling
The same feeling as the rain
Beaing on my back.
I feel empty,
And very much alone
It keeps getting darker
I'm lost in scared,
The tears have stopped by now.
I feel it is no use to cry
Because the darkness
That the thorns thrive on
Is getting larger
Soon it will be too late
I truly will be lost forever
I can't let it go
It's your fault
It never gets better
Just keeps getting worse
But that's okay
It grows softer everyday.
I'm immune to it now
I don't feel a thing
And I like it that way
It's safer
The tears will never return.
I wrote that one about a year and a half ago...
My poems
Poem #1 - The poem I wrote for Old Testament class - no titleI give praise to you my sovereign Father
For all your mercies I thank you
For when I was a lost sheep in the midst of wolves you kept me safe
Though my enemies surrounded me, you delivered me from their hands
When everyone deserted me, you did not leave
You had faith in me even when no one else did
When I was thirsty, you gave me water
You provided all my needs
Though walls were falling around me, your peace protected me
You covered me even when my would was destroyed
Thought lost and alone, you found me
You lighted my path in the midst of darkness
When I was scared to speak, you gave me strength
You spoke through me, your Holy Spirit within me
My heart is joyful when you are pleased with me
When you are happy, I am as well
Through all my tough times, you walk with me
You are with me even in the valley of death
In all my troubles I worship you
I give all my worries to your care
When everything is lost
I put my trust in you
When my family deserts me, and leaves me alone,
You are stil faithfully by my side.
Savior of my heart, I surrender to you
I give you my life a sacrifice.
Though my burdens I cannot bear alone
With you all trials I can overcome.
I give you my praise, most Holy Father
In all my blessings I will glorify you.
Poem # 2 - Sun and Moon
Seeing the sun
Rise above the shadows
I blink
Watching it rise
Slowly on the horizon
Slowly
It's brightness quietly
Carefully
Persuading
The darkness
And the moon and the stars
To leave
Slowly at first the darkness leaves
Then quickly
Disappearing like a shadow
On a rainy day
Running away as a mouse
Being chased by a cat
And then suddenly
Before you know it
It's gone
Leaving behind the warmth
Brighness
Gentleness of the sun
Enjoying it
Buyt missing the darkness
With the stars and moon
Knowing,
The darkness will return
I sigh and lay down
To stare at the pure white clouds
But soon in the soft sun
I am asleep.
One more to come!
Hello
Hey all you bloggers out there in blogworld.
I am updating once again. I'm getting better at it.
My life is not incredibly interesting as of late. It's just work, sleep, work sleep. That's almost what it seems like anyway. I've never felt so tired in my life, and since this is my first job it seems even worse then it probably is.
It's really hot here in Moose Jaw, it's like 31 degrees celsius. Summer is back. In some ways I wish it wasn't as I tend to enjoy cool weather more then warm, but I'm sure I will survive it.
My sister and my two nephews: AJ who just turned two about a month ago... and Noah who is 4 months are visiting because my brother in laws, brother is getting married on the tenth and they are visiting before then. It should be fun.
God has taught me a lot since I have been at home. I've been doing a lot better with my parents I think, I don't fight with them nearly as often as before. Also, me and my little sister tend to get along a lot better and for that I am very glad.
God bless, have a good summer
Kim
